TW: depression 

 We have all been in a bad state of mind, whether it was really short-lived or months long. We have all been there once in our lives. Quarantines and COVID can make that worse. 

I was in that state of mind for a year and a half. It was so hard to get up in the morning. I had good days, but at the end it didn’t feel like it. I felt alone most days even though I wasn’t. But that changed. For the first time in a long time I have been happy.  

During those months I felt so terrible and it was so hard, every day was something worst then the last. It felt like I had no one to help. I didn’t let anyone in for the longest time, but after a while I couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted my pain to go away. I needed someone. I reached out to my best friend, Giselle, and asked her for help. She was glad to help me; she asked me questions on how I felt and what she could do.  

“You aren’t always alone and maybe today wasn’t good day for you,” Giselle texted me. “Things will get good, though, and better. It was just a bad day, but you can still make it through it.” 

You can have bad days for weeks on end, and every day you still feel like you want to die. One day it will get better. It can be in a tomorrow, it can be next week, next month, anytime really. It took me a whole year and even then, I don’t feel the best somedays. It takes time. That feeling will go away.    

On my bad days I put a fake face on and went through my day, no one even knew. That was the hard part. I did it for so long I started to fool myself. I started to think I was ok, but one day something just snapped. The feeling of being alone came back strong. I didn’t text anyone, I kept to myself, I didn’t even talk. No one knew I was feeling this way. It made me feel so bad about myself. I thought no one loved me. I had to remined myself that people do love me. I looked for the good in each day. It was so hard, but I found a single person who made me want to get out of bed. I found that person, and if they weren’t there, I found something else. They didn’t know they were what got me out of bed. If you find someone or something that gets you out of bed in the morning, they don’t have to know. You can always tell them, but you don’t have to. 

The night I realized I was happy, I was sitting on the floor happy crying because of the people I realized I have. If you feel alone you aren’t. There will always be someone. It could be a pet, a family member or friend. It could be your counselor or a teacher.  

If you don’t think you have someone, look for someone. I know it hard. Just keep reminding yourself you live for them. It doesn’t even have to be a person or a pet, say you live for your bed because it only fits your body.  I started to tell myself who I lived for every day. I would name everyone and everything I could think off.  

Yes, this feeling hurt. Yes, you may have felt this for so long, and you hate it. It will go away. Think of the future. Remember, you are loved, and you have people who care for you.  

Suicide hotline number: 800-273-8255 

Remember, the counselors in the guidance office are available for help.